The Day I Fell in Love with my son

February 5, 2006 1 Comment

It is really hard to explain that mysterious fatherhood experience.
 
Saying “I love you” to my son is easy cos’ that is the most appropriate thing to express. Do I love my son? Yes – because he is my flesh and blood. And he is the love-product of me and Felicia. Is it real or just a cliché way of expression, I dun know. Or is it  because “We are blood-related so we must love one another”?
 
The truth is: I am excited and happy about this new member of my family. I am happy every time I see him. I think about him all the time. I am always keeping a look-out for his gifts. Is this love? I think so. But it is not the same kind of feelings I felt for my wife – that “butterfly feeling”.
 
Love must be nurtured over time. Love cannot be defined by titles, status, deity or even bloodline. When you felt pampered and needed, you feel love knocking on your door. Love is colorless, odorless and invisible. Love exists because we believe in it. Love exists because we feel it. We felt love because it is pure, mutual, unconditioned and well-received.
 
I was looking at my 15-month son the other day. He can’t speak yet; he has just started walking and is trying to explore every new object around him. I was wondering if my son loves me. How would someone of his age is able to express love – when he can’t even conduct the basic verbal communication?
 
Somehow, this Chinese New Year holidays changed all that.
 
Playing football with Elkan 
On Chinese New Year eve, I was playing football with Elkan in our house. It is a simple game. I dribbled the ball and he was chasing after it. Somehow, I slipped on his toy and took a very nasty fall. I hit the floor with a bang and bruised my elbow. I was murmuring in pain.
 
What happened in the next few seconds was totally unexpected. Elkan stood there and looked at me with a very worried face. Then he started crying and walked over to hug me. I was surprised. He knew I was hurt and he offered me a hug. I was touched by this little pure gesture. I was puzzled by his pure affection and reaction to my fall.
 
Elkan having high fever
The next day, something bad happened. This time, it was Elkan. He caught a very bad fever bug. It happened on the 1st day of Chinese New Year. Elkan had a high fever – 39.8 degrees. There was no sign, no hint and nothing indicative about his sudden bout of illness.
 
At that moment, a new feeling came into me. For that spilt second, I thought I am going to lose Elkan. I am so worried about him. My heart was crying and aching (like a rejected relationship) and I was desperate. Both Felicia and I couldn’t sleep over the next 2 nights. We took turns to sponge him and fed him with medicine.
 
Eventually, Elkan got well on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year. All these while, I have to tuck him to sleep. Elkan, on the other hand, would only extend his arms to me – signally me to carry him. He wouldn’t allow anyone (including my mum or sister) to carry him. Whenever I am just a couple of steps away from him, he would cry in tears, stretching his hands for me. Once he is in my arms, he would “tuck” himself comfortably within my grips and hugged me tightly. Many times, seconds before he dozed off, he would look at me and smile. That closeness we shared is indescribable.
 
On the 4th Day of Chinese New Year, I was leaving for KL. That morning, I went over to his bed, looked at his sleeping figure and gave him a little peck on his cheek.
 
That morning, I whispered that same 3 cliché words to him. Only this time, the feeling is real (Yes, I found back that butterfly). For once, I am lovesick with my son.
 

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One Response to The Day I Fell in Love with my son

  1. Unknown's avatar Big says:
    February 6, 2006 at 8:48 am

    read your blog again….. "The Day I Fell in Love with my son" so touching and beautiful… really…. words that you used are strong and sentimental… good write up…. "Yes, I found back that butterfly"….i am so glad you found it back……

    Reply

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